Hike number five of the season: Mount Defiance and Starvation Ridge, a 14-ish mile loop from, or maybe through?, hell. I hiked the loop counterclockwise. Having completed it this way, I can’t imagine doing it the other way. The descent would be even more of a nightmare on cranky/janky knees, and I think it would’ve felt even more than it already did like there was no end in sight.

With 5,000 feet of elevation gain in 5 miles, Mount Defiance is said by some to be one of Oregon’s hardest hikes. It’s the highest point in the Gorge, and many mountaineers use it as a training hike in preparation for climbing Mount Hood, which is visible from the summit on a clear day (above).

This hike is a slog. There is absolutely no reason to do it if you’re not (A) training for something (physical, mental, or both), or (B) a masochist (me). It’s not particularly scenic and for most people the few views you do get aren’t worth the work you have to put in to earn them. There are far more enjoyable hikes with much better views. For example: Tom Dick and Harry.

The hike starts regular enough. The first stretch is a paved path along the highway. Once you enter the trees, you pass by a few waterfalls and then you’re on your way.

About a mile in, you hit a junction: switchback to take Starvation Ridge Trail clockwise, forge ahead to take Mount Defiance Trail counterclockwise. I went counterclockwise.

About a mile later I broke out my poles, and about another mile after that I pulled up my knee sleeves. Knee sleeves are a lifting accessory. We lifters wear them to support our knees—to keep them warm, reduce inflammation and pain, and improve stability. You’ll often see barbell athletes wearing them during movements like squats and lunges. This hike is the first time I wore my knee sleeves on the trail; it’s the first time I thought to. So many of the reviews talked about how brutal the ascents and descents on this trail are, and I know my knees: they’re not the most agreeable! And you know what? Total game changer. I can’t believe I didn’t think to add knee sleeves to my hiking gear before now.

To be frank, I couldn’t tell you what most of the ascent looked like. Compared to my usual trail behavior, and despite what this photo-heavy post suggests, I rarely stopped to look around or take photos. I mostly kept my head down, my eyes forward, and my feet moving. I knew that if I stopped too frequently or for too long I’d have a hard time getting going again. As a beloved animated fish once famously said, just keep swimming.

Several miles in, I hit the false summit, which is still forever from the actual summit. On a clear day, Mounts St. Helens, Rainer, and Adams are visible in the distance.

Exactly four hours in, I hit the summit. I hung out there for 15 minutes, refueling with electrolytes, Pop-Tarts, dried fruit, and applesauce pouches. The view of Mount Hood from here is fine enough. The one from Tom Dick and Harry is much better.

There’s also the eyesore of the telecommunications equipment at the top of Mount Defiance, which is enormous and, unlike the small setup of equipment at the summit of Tom Dick and Harry, absolutely does detract from the experience. When you reach the summit, you see the equipment before you see Hood. You have to walk around it before you can see the mountain.

On the way back down, I took Starvation Ridge Trail at the junction, which I hit about 20 minutes after leaving the summit. Much of the first portion of Starvation Ride Trail is, thank god, flatter than Mount Defiance Trail.

And then: it’s not. After an initial reprieve, the descent begins and basically doesn’t stop until it turns into another ascent toward the end of the loop. For much of these portions of trail, I hiked over either loose rocks or loose dirt. These stretches required full attention and careful foot/trekking pole placement to not slip/fall. Again, during these prolonged sections of trail, I didn’t take as many photos as I usually do because I was focused on keeping my head down, my eyes forward, and my feet moving without slipping/falling.

The final 3-ish miles were miserable, mostly because it was 80 goddamn degrees in late July and there was very little to no shade, and there was a stretch that went back up hill. For those miles, I hated my life, my choices, and myself. I could not wait to be finished and regretted having ever started. Being able to see the highway and hear signs of life and knowing I was so fucking close made it even worse. I wanted to be done so bad!

I have no clue how long this hike actual was in terms of distance. AllTrails is never particularly accurate. In this instance, it was egregiously inaccurate. According to the app’s calculations, I hiked almost 20 very steep miles in a mere seven hours. If that were true, I would’ve been hiking a mile with 1,000 feet of elevation gain faster than many people can run a mile on flat ground. Which: yeah, right! I’m fit. I’m not that fit.

Gloriously, after seven hours to the minute of hiking, I finished. When I reached my car, I immediately took off my boots, socks, and pants (I wore Nike shorties underneath), grabbed the refuel snacks I brought (pizza, fruit, high-protein Greek yogurt, chips, electrolytes), popped my trunk, and chowed the fuck down and chilled the fuck out for a bit before driving home. I always bring a lunch box of snacks for after my hikes. This was the first time I actually finished everything I brought.

If you’re going to attempt this hike, I highly recommend eating a breakfast of complex carbs (can’t go wrong with oatmeal), bringing more water and electrolytes than you think you’ll need (I brought three liters of water and two 16.9-ounce bottles of electrolytes and had half a liter and no electrolytes left at the end), carrying a healthy dose of carb-heavy snacks (simple and complex) to eat along the way, and packing food, water, and electrolytes for afterward.

Trekking poles are a must for this hike. If you have wonky ankles, you’ll want a shoe or boot with a higher, sturdier top. If you have cranky/janky knees, I suggest wearing lifting knee sleeves. I like (and wear) Rehbands. SBDs are another popular choice. They’re not cheap. They are worth it, especially if you frequently find yourself hiking trails that aren’t compatible with your knees.

My favorite parts of this hike were carb loading in the days leading up to it, and taking myself to Oxbow after the gym the next morning to hangout in the sun eating more pizza and fresh fruit while reading my library book (The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo), as a little treat.

My official review of this hike: Type 2.75 Fun. Could’ve been an early, Ranch-era CrossFit Games workout.

Would I do it again? If you’d asked me in the days right after, I would’ve said, “Immediately no.” If you asked me now, I’d tell you, “Maybe.”